| Word and ideas theivs |
[09 Jul 2001|06:11pm] |
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music |
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Backstreet Boys "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)" |
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About to hours ago I found out that somone stold several of my ideas and used them in their own story, She didn't steal direct text and/or quotes but she came very very close to it. You can all probly guess that I was not amused, nor, was I happy. I checked and found that I made the grave mestake of not copywriteing my work anywhere. But, luckly I do have all the chapters printed off, with a much earlier date on them (March 11, 2001 to be exact). I'am going to be making a screen capture of the properties tab of the original file on my computer, which clearly states that I started this work on November 2, 2000. I'am going to be emailing this girl, asking her to ether give me full credit for the ideas she stold or to take her story down completely. I'am very, very upset and disappointed that this happened for a while after I first found out, I was considering, taking offline completely. I don't like having my work stolden after Ive spent so much time on it and put so much into it. But I've decided to keep open just because, as
far as I know, this is the only time, this has happened. And becuase, contrary to what is probly populer blief, if I find out that someone steals my ideas one more time, I won't be coming back. In cunsulting some close freinds, Ive
found a way to actually legally copywrite my work, and I do intend to do so so if anybody reading this wants to steal my work, don't try it. this may be insignificant, but it's something Ive put my heart and soul into and it means very, very much to me. Okay. To the person who stole my ideas and blatantly ripped me off: Not cool. I am not amused. At all. What you did was wrong, low and just plain unoriginle. If you can't think up your own ideas for your stories, don't write them by taking ideas from others whoove worked their ass's off and put their hard work and time into coming up with those ideas. What you did is known as playgerism - the use and passing off of another's ideas and/or work as your own. What you did is also known as allegal when a work is legally copywrited. Your lucky in that I made the mistake of not legally copywriting this in the past. But now, is legally copywrited: all other work contained on the interenet written by me are Copyright ? Franziska [my mother said I cant put my last name on the interenet,] 2000-2001. I have two forms of proof that my story was created before your own - both a screen capture of the properties tab for my original document which states that the file was created on November 2 of 2000, and a printed-off copy of every single chapter, all dated March 11, 2001. If you also check the arkive of my updates list, youll find that my updates list prooves that I has been online since April, 2000. To everybody else: Not cool. Not in reference to any of you, but this situation. Because it's not cool. I want to make it clear to anybody else who might harber ideas to steal my ideas/story that I do not apreshiate, nor will I tolarate someone stealing my ideas and work. If you want to use an idea, ask me about what you're thinking of doing with it - maybe I'll decide that you can go with it. Maybe. Not likely, but maybe. If anybody finds another site that has stolden my work, please let me know about it as soon as possible. Just to make it clear: if I find out that my work is copied again, I will not hesitate to take legal action.
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| Questions with no Answer |
[08 Jul 2001|06:30pm] |
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music |
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Backstreet Boys "Time" |
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HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are guyz so confusing? One minute they are in love with you, then the next they don't want to have anything to do with you. It's very irritating.
You try to talk to your boyfriend, he walks away. Then he tells everyone you never talk to him, that u are ignoring him. Automatically you are the woman at fault again.
Is there something wrong with the female gender? Something that makes us vulnerable to confusion? Why am I sitting here writing this, absolutely confused? Does he like me, or is he just using me? Did I annoy him? What's wrong with me?
Am I fat? Am I ugly? Why don't I fit his approval? I hate not knowing what he is thinking. It's a horrible feeling. You never understand what it is you need to improve.
Did his ex capture him again? Am I too clingy? Do I try to hard to try to protect him from other girls? Do I worry too much? HELP!!!!!!!!!
I have the answers to a lot of questions in life. But these i can't answer.
Why doesnt' he want to hang out with me anyomre? Why is it always "Next time."? Why does he talk behind my back with my friends so much? Does he not trust me? Why doesn't he ask me himself?
who is he taking to the dance? Is it me or is it someone else? I wish he would make up his mind. I'm sick of wating, standing here all confused. I'm so mixed up.
Why doesn't he love me? Did he ever even like me? Was it really just a joke? Is he out there somewhere laughing at me? Somewhere with another girl?
What really happened at the dinner theater that nite? When I went to the restroom, did he talk to her? Was it love at first sight? To tell you the truth, nothing's been the same since then.
Am I overreacting? So many questions fly through my mind and onto papaer. Who, what, when, how , where, WHY???????? HELP!!!!!!!!!!
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| Anerexia and bulema |
[06 Jul 2001|05:40pm] |
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music |
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Backstreet Boys "Roll With It" |
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As far as bad habts go, if I were a pack-a-day smoker who kept faling off the wagen, I'd probly be getting frendly advice from everyone -- useof the patch, try hypnotis, chewgum and if none of them worked maybe a smokers rights group would work, Drink to much? Well as long as i wasnt driving and didn't affect my job my friends might simply take it as an appresiation of alcohol especially if it were good red wine that had me by the collar. But my bad habit is one that makes everybodies eyes wider when they hear it, It is not socially acceptable and absulutely noone has a sense of humor about it, My bad habit is like that I like to starve myself from time to time. The doctors say it must be psychological problem. Perhaps I should be looking at what I'am going thrugh when Ia'm depriving myself of food, But I think itis justa very effectave and enjoyable form of weight loss one that I had have had control over for years now. I think if people understood how good starving themselves feels, they would understand people with eating disorders a lot better, They would also do there best to make sure no one ever got an inkling of the feeling, because once a trip has been taken down that road, it'sa difficolt trip back for most people. And that's probably why, according to the National Assosiation of Anorexa Nervosia and Assosiated Disordors, that they're 7 million women and 1 million men who suffer from eating disordors. (They report that 6 percent of all series cases die from the disorder.) I am one of the fortunate ones I because I have always been able to stop before it befor came a serious problem. I never made a conscious effort to use starving myself as a deiting tool, I was always a skinny child because I was utterly bored with food, But at 13, I discovered fast food, My first taste of a MicDonelds burger was heaven. I used to lie to my parents, pushing my plate away at dinner and telling them I was off to the librery, while my friends and I headed off for a cheeseburger with extra dill pickles. After a few months, we discovered a little crepe house downtown and began to frequnt it without our parents knowledge. I gained a bit of wait, but at 5-foot-2 and 89 pounds, I definitely had nothing to worry about. I had grown quickly and my weight hadn't yet caught up with me. My first real flirtation with starving came during my second year at doing it, it I admit that part of my problem was that I was in an up-and-down love affair. But it wasn't my first, so why would I start starving myself now and now and not for the other romances? At the begining I simply didn't feel like eating. So for the
first couple of days I just downed a Coke for breakfast and smoked a ciggarette,the same for lunch and about a half a portion of dinner. After about three days I dubbed it the "Coke and ciggarets diet." After a month aCheekbones had replaced the baby fat on my face and my
hipbones actually stood out. To this day, that is a memmry I cherish. However, my boyfriend (the up-and-down one) told me I looked awful and fortuntely I believed him. Or if I didn't, I heeded his comments anyway and started eating. That summer I gained back the weight and the cheeks during my job at the ice rink. It was not until about 10 months later that starving myself came in handy again, This time there was more going on in my life than usual but I don't think that was the issue it started out with stomach jitters over a failed romance and a move bedroom. Not eating properly for a few days gave me that great "high" I remembered from the Coke and ciggarrettes days. That was what had hooked me then and what was doing it now. Doctors who work with anrexics say it's not unusual. People in concentration camps who are starving feel euforic but apparently it's isa feeling that goes away after a while. During this little fray into starvationland I lived mainly on apple juice and cigarretes. I'd mellowd in my choice of beverages, but the cigarrettes were still on integral part of the diet because they were so successful
at killing my appettite. This time I also started an exercise program, which helped put me down two dress sizes. In addition to that I started what I thought was bullemia but is known as "normal weight vomiting." (It's only called bullema if it includes bingeing followed by throwing up.) I simply ate a normal dinner and then threw it up. The only problem that was with this was that while it was something I initially did on my own, it eventually turned into something my body was doing whether or not I liked it. It got to the point where I would simply eat dinner and then about 15 minutes later, I would feel ill and throw up. Physically I felt great. But it had it's downside. One night I was asked over to an attractive boys house for dinner. His mom served lobster and a beautiful creamy dessert washed down with lots of Coke. It was obvios he had plans for me after dinner, but by then I was throwing up so regularly that my body autmatically went into action. I started to feel naseated and I knew I had to get out of there. Fast. I arrived home just in time. By now I was calling my little throwing up habit the "taste it twice diet." My friends did not think it was funny. One pal who joined me on a camping trip saw my after-dinner regurgitations was very upset. "You'll ruin your teeth and you could choke you know." I curtaled my vomiting for the rest of the trip. While my friends found it both disturbing and puzzling I actually was happy with my successful dieting tools. They were affective and the euforia I experienced while starving was addictiv. but it all came to an end abruptly when I met my boyfrend. It wasn't that he made me so happy that I quit. It was just that when I told him what I was doing, he became very upset and pleaded with me to stop. I did, but I was under constant surveillance, if I ever got stomache flue or ate something that made me sick, he was right in there as I was throwing up, lecuring me about eating disorders. When he moved I wondered if I would go on my favorite diet again. I didn't. In fact, it wasn't until this spring, when I started dating a new boyfriend that the stavation diet started up. Initially I was just trying to lose weight fast. The relationship was progresing at a greater speed than I had antisapated. So I was down to eating practicly nothing and swimming a half mile every day. All of a sudden, that wonderful euforic feeling was back again. I felt terific. I looked terific. I ate just enough to keep from fainting. Then I ended the relationship because it was becoming just a bit too much. I started eating again, but with restrant. And that's where I am now. But I'll starve myself again, for the sense of power over my body. It's almost an arotic feeling. I must admit that this summer, as I starved myself and fell in love again, I started to feel like Charlotte Rampling (feel, not look) as she wasted away in that isolated room with Dirk Bogarde in "The Night Porter." Feeling better about your body is extremely sensous. As I look back and read this, I notice that boys seem to be involved in each one of these dieting epsodes, although not in simular roles. Sometimes they are troubbling sometimes they are absent and sometimes they are an exciting new beginning, as with the third. Not really any pattern. But another thing I notice is that every bout has started off in the spring. Could the knowledge that a long Washington winter is coming to an end be a catalyst for to me to try to experince a rebirth as a new, thinner entty? Or is it just that as the parka comes off my white bumpy flesh is exposed to the world once again? I think it's actually just curcumstance. If I'm pushed into not eating for a day or two because of a nervus stomache, all of a sudden I find myself enjoying it. And so far, I've been able to control it, rather than have it control me. If I'm this positive about it, would I want, say, my duaghter to start starving herself? Definately not. In fact, if she started to complain about her weight I would tell her all women feel fat -- even the skinniest -- so she shouldn't worry about it. It is that kind of thing. If you can control it, it is a grate dieting tool, but once it controls you your in real trouble. I have friends who have starved themselves down to 80 pounds, I have known people who died because of their starving habbit. So why do I play with it? I don't experiment with drugs that can kill me, so why do I dabble in such a dangerus dieiting game? With anerexia and bulema, I've always been on the egde. As long as I can keep myself from tumbling off I have nothing to fear from it. And so far, I've been able to.
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| Zero |
[03 Jul 2001|09:15am] |
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music |
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Backstreet Boys "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" |
] |
I am nothing
Like I've always been
I am zero
And I will never win
The time is right
For a guiding light
I love every gray day
I love every time I get told away
I am nothing to you
I am zero to myself too
What am I supposed to do?
I can't stand hating you
No one needs to feel this way The way that I feel everyday
But that's who I am, no one
I am zero, nothing's hero
I am one, though I am none
I am nothing, to no one
You're something. Someone under the sun
I hide in the shadows
And the shadows give me warmth
And the warmth gives me light
And the light gives me darkness
And the darkness tells me I'm nothing
And I accept that
I am zero
And we all long for the comfort of our beds
Never to leave
Never to be said
Just stay alive
And don't look dead
I've been here before
And I've kept it all for more
I'll either have you, or I wont
You'll never hear me say
"No I don't"
And then I'm 8 years old again
I don't remember did I loose or win?
I'm not writing this
Just to see my pen run dry
But the sun shines in
And I want gray skies
For I, I am nothing
I am zero
A zero for everything
Zero, a zero do you even begin to know
What it means?
When will it all end?
When will I be something again?
Something more than zero
You have everything
And I have more
I have it all
Keep in mind I have that in store
In store for all the others
Who don't believe me too
I smell smoke
I talk to you
On my words I nearly choke and die
On out from my mouth
Onto my tongue they fly
And then I find myself
Caught in a lie
Please can we go
Just you and I?
No one really cares why
No one really cares for me
Everyone wants for me to be unfreed
But you cannot do that
I will not let you have the last laugh
I am zero
Deep down inside
You'll find that I am
Your hero
I am your something
I am your zero
When at night you lay in bed
The truth finds a way into your head
You say you have nightmares about me
Let me tell you
That I have those same dreams
And we both were there
I heard your screams
Now you can't look at me
As you did before
I am no longer a blur
No longer reality
I am the dreams of those around me
I am zero
I am the one who leads her friends
Beyond the end
Then back over again
I've done it so many times
Without receiving recognition
Instead I've received dead hopes and dreams
And I do what I can to help
'cause I know what's in store
I just don't want to play with this subject anymore
I can do it
Even though I am zero
I am nothing
Even though I deserve nothing
Zero I am
I am zero
I am the depressing thought of each day
I am the constant sadness, the whirling madness
And it's been this way since you went away
And I'm sure of what I'm supposed to say
What I'm supposed to do
But right now I'm zero to you
Red ink cannot write words
Of sadness
Red ink can write the words
Of madness
I've said this
I've said more
I cannot find a way back across
To the mental doors
Am I mad?
Am I really insane?
The fuck with everything
Anything's to blame
But who am I really?
Everyone thinks I'm silly
Calls me immature
But I'm not really
Who am I?
I am nothing
I am zero
Winter days are slow
They seem to drag on forever, you know?
I am zero
I am nothing new
But I can do anything and everything for you
But I am zero
Yes it's true
But I only want to do everything for you
I am worthy of whom ever I choose
You can't stop me
I'm my own doom
Am I more than zero?
I will never know
Who really loves me
And why they never show
I deserve better than this
I deserve something
No wait
I deserve nothing
I am zero
When the sun comes,
I want to push it away
I have before
And I will do it today
Everyday shows me as a bard
Everyday has me working hard
And yet I manage to find a away
Yet I find myself slipping away
I see the line of your faithless followers
They wait just to be with you
Well I'm not waiting
A swirling hurricane
You know my name
It's still not the same
But then lust,
Betrayal,
Trust,
A heart begins to rust
Don't expect me to respect you
I won't even respect my sadness
Respect myself
I keep walking
Weather zero
Everyone's after me
For my mind
They cannot think for themselves
Without anyone's help
Everyone thinks there's something wrong with me
Well, they're wrong
The zero is me
I am perfect
I am zero
Then again it isn't
Then again who knows?
Nice try
White lie
You can die
Die for doing this to me
Die because you simply don't believe
So many times
Have I tried to explain myself
It doesn't change the situation
There's no change
No mutation
There's only pain and mutilation
I'm tired of these relations
I don't have to work on
the preperations
And when I think of it
I should have never left
I was supposed to stay
Not supposed to work
Outside the master plan
For nearly days
Maybe my handwriting could be a little neater
Maybe the words I write
Should cut deeper
Because I know the limits of the heart,
For I have broken them.
I know the limits of the mind,
For I have broken them.
I have broken them as well.
I had d?j? vu
Are you listening?
Do you know what it means?
I'm telling you once more
I am zero
I am anything
I am both sides
The fears and dreams
The soft voices and screams
I've been both parts
The savior
The saint
The devil
The hidden dark angel
And that's all I'll ever be
I'm zero
I'm everything
You see
You worthless, soulless, heartless, mindless mess
You don't deserve me
You don't deserve anything,
Not even the worst,
Not even the best
I'm better than the rest
I'm zero
I did not rehearse
The words that echo throughout my mind
Night and day
Inside out
Almost driving me crazy
Please someone tell me
A show of hands?
Come on anyone
Are you all too worried,
You can't stop what's begun?
Well you should ride it to the end
Then back to the beginning,
Then do it over again
I'm letting everyone know
The dark deep trenches of my soul
I am the phoenix you know..
Why explains why I come
And why I go
And why I come back again
The zero can either help you
Or destroy you
It's up to zero
It's up to me
And not you
To decide what's best for you
The zero is nothing
Yet I am something
And I am the zero
Now you know
Never leave
Let it go,
Nothing is me
Nothing is zero
So I end
Where I begin,
This is merely a mark,
A page in a book overflowing
I know where it's going
I am nothing
I am zero
I am everything that has always been
And always will be
Until the end
I am nothing
I am zero,
And you find
I am your last hero,
I am zero
Your true last hero,
Love me
Hold me
Tend to me
Kiss me
Miss me
Miss something from the nothing
Miss the love from the zero
I am your hero
Even though I am zero
Pray for me
And wish for me
Wish for us
To forever be
Now that I have gotten you all to see
Will you join the zero
Who is me?
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| To Franziska |
[01 Jul 2001|04:56pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Backstreet Boys "We've Got It Goin' On" |
] |
This was written by my late great-grandmother
This wasn't written by me, but it makes me cry everytime i read it... My "Nanny" wrote it when i was a baby. She's gone now, and i miss her terribly. This poem is my memory.
Little smiling Franziska, darling little girl,
Happy every hour of the day,
You've made a place within our hearts
So glad you're here to stay.
It's so good to feel some tiny arms
Arond my neck again,
And baby kisses on my face
A love like gentle rain.
You have a sense of humor, too,
That lots of grown-ups lack
You like to tease me, and you laugh
The times I tease you back.
You may get mad when things go wrong,
But soon your mad face leaves,
You're ready to forgive us then
Forgetting all your peeves.
I'm thankful that God let me live
To be a great-grandmother
If I'd had a chance to pick a child
I'd not have picked another.
I hope you'll always be this sweet
And keep on being happy
And I'll always be so very glad
To be our "Franziska's" "Nanny".
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| Bens dead |
[29 Jun 2001|11:11pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Backstreet Boys "The Perfect Fan" |
] |
I was driving down the road to get money from the bank machine, so I could hop a plane first thing in the morning. It was dark. My friend lay in a hospitel in California, with a bullet in his head. The doctor gave him no chance to live. While I was driving, the hospitel called my mother and told her Ben's brain had stopped.
Suddenly, the glove box flew open. "Ben is dead," I said in my heart. "This is a sign."
As I closed the glove box, I heard a voice say, "I didn't mean to hurt anyone." I looked to my right, and there was Ben's face, shining in the darkness.
"I know you didn't, Ben, I know you didn't," I replyed. His face moved closer, until it was about one foot from my head.
"I am so, so sorry," he said.
"I know you are, Ben. I know you are," I replyed. His face started to move again. Sudenly I felt his arm move around my back, as he hugged me titely, and told me how much he loved me.
"I love you, too," I replied. "I love you very much. Jesus will forgive your sins."
"But I have done so many things wrong," he said.
"So have I Ben, so have I," I told him.
"But I have done so many more," he said.
"Jesus died for all our sins," I told him. He died for all of them." His face was calm and peaceful. I knew I could keep him no longer.
"Now go back to your body, " I said, "and God will give you life." Instantly, he was gone.
"Now it's just you and me, God," I said. In saying this, I realized God had been with us the whole time. I started singing loud songs of praise to Him and to Jesus.
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| Pain |
[26 Jun 2001|10:44am] |
| [ |
music |
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Backstreet Boys "Larger Than Life" |
] |
pain, oh pain
why do thee chose me?
to victimize
to make cry
to make feel like wanting to die
to make me feel like not going on
to make me go and sing sad songs
to make me sit alone and sigh
to make great sorrow in my heart.
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| Women's Love |
[22 Jun 2001|02:09pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Backstreet Boys "The Perfect Fan" |
] |
"We can rise above evil!"
Women are the most important people ever known. Unfortunately, they are treated horribly. This is why there are so many women out there wandering around looking for the next guy to mistreat them. Very few women ever succeed in finding a perfect gentlemen who will honor them and treat them fairly, with love and dignity. With each passing day, more women are being abused, raped, and killed. All women must join together to stop this. If we don't, we will never live up to the potential we have to ever be given the recognition we deserve.
Therefore we must begin that search. The search for the strenght in us to come out of the prison we have been locked in and save ourselves from the men who have hid us away from the world.
I'm not saying to ignore the guys. No, without them we woulnd't be alive. What we need is to fight the ones who mistreat us. If they hit you, just batt your pretty eyes and smile. Don't hit them, that's not what fighting back means. Kill them with kindness. If we show them that they can't break our spirits, they will stop. If we can win over their hearts, we can in turn, win the war. I believe that the theory that women want someone to love them, but all men just want sex is very worng. They too want love. The problem is that they have big egos. They think that they can't love because they are men. That is how we are bringing up our young boys. The media is teaching them that hate is cool. We must stop this madness! Like Harold Hill said in "Music Man", "Let's keep our young boys pure!" We must bring them up better!
If we can burst through the love/sex theory, we can turn our guys around. We can get them to kill their egos and try to love. We can clean up this horrible world we have come to be and go back to our old ways. We must look to God to guide us. He is our main man. If we can teach the guys to love Him, they will see the world in His eyes and try to be move like him. We can leave our ways and go back to being a pure community. We can achieve our dream of world peace!
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